


Seriously?

by sincerelymendacious



Category: Psychonauts (Video Games)
Genre: Blankets, Cats, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Misunderstandings, based on a funny image, melodramatic cats, slight romantic overtones (if you wish to see it that way), there's a couch involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29439606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sincerelymendacious/pseuds/sincerelymendacious
Summary: Dogen just can't believe that Raz would do something like this.
Relationships: Razputin Aquato & Dogen Boole
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Seriously?

**Author's Note:**

> Today Rocket (Pinky G Rocket on ao3) posted a funny image in the psychowhatsits discord server that spoke to me on a spiritual level. So I wrote this. The names for Dogen's cat's were megacensor's creation.

When Dogen Boole returned to his apartment, he discovered an atmosphere more tense than a drawn bowstring. 

It hadn’t been like this when he left. The convenience store was right down the street, and he only needed a few things. It had taken him fifteen minutes to go out, get what he needed, and come back. There hadn’t been any reason to think that he would come home to a scene different from the one he had left behind. The hostile energy that hit him the second he opened his door came as a great surprise. 

The surprise was quick to fade. Three beings occupied his living room; two cats and one human colleague. Raz was lounging across the couch, his long, lean body stretched across all three cushions. Spread over his lap was a little white blanket Dogen had crocheted a few months ago. One of Dogen’s cats- a white ball of fluff named Gracie- was on the floor, her legs tucked under her body. Resentment radiated from her little marshmallow-like form. Above them both was Cameron, a skinny gray tabby. His position mirrored the human below him, though he took up much less space on top of the couch. 

Of the three, only Cameron had maintained his original position. When Dogen had left, Raz had been sitting with his legs on the coffee table, searching Netflix for something that would hold his attention. Gracie had been on the other side of the couch, kneading her beloved blanket. Her content purr had been loud enough to hear from the door.

It wasn’t difficult to figure out the cause of the breakdown in interspecies relations. Gracie was not purring now. She was putting her all into ignoring Raz, while at the same time making him aware of her displeasure. And Raz was aware, though he pretended that he wasn’t. His pose might be casual and relaxed, but the shadow of guilt on his face told Dogen everything he needed to know. Cameron, the silent observer, reached one of his paws out towards the reclining human’s head. It was as close to an accusing finger as he could manage with his anatomy. 

Gracie was the first to acknowledge Dogen’s presence. She looked up at him with her big, blue eyes and mewed, communicating her unhappy plight.  _ Look at me,  _ she thought, making a small noise of dissatisfaction.  _ Look at what’s been done to your sweet, loyal Gracie. Does it not infuriate you? Does my fallen state not stoke outrage and pity within your heart? Do you not feel a strong need to right a grievous wrong? _

Dogen set his groceries on the counter and went to kneel before his distraught cat.  _ What happened? _ , he asked, scratching her behind her ear. She rubbed her head against his hand, her cold, wet nose bumping his palm.  _ What did he do this time?  _

_ Oh! Oh! A crime he has committed against my person!  _ She thought with such exaggerated gravity that Dogen had to struggle not to smile.  _ I was happy and warm on my couch, working that lovely blanket you made for me and only me, when that cad put his bony fingers upon my person!  _ She flopped onto her side, overcome by the horror of contact with a human she disliked.  _ He lifted me up, and then cast me down onto the floor, like I was naught but a used rag!  _ She twisted her body from side to side, writhing with the injustice.  _ And when I glanced back up to question why I had been subjected to such abominable treatment...oh! Oh! My blanket! He was arranging my blanket across his own parts!  _

_ Oh jeez.  _ Dogen sighed and glanced over at the couch. Raz kept his focus on whatever he had on the T.V., but Cameron was looking right at them both with calm amusement.  _ Is this true, Cam? _

_ Yeah,  _ Cameron replied, slowly closing his eyes.  _ He tossed her off the couch and took the blanket. It was funny.  _

_ Oh I am overcome!  _ Gracie cried out upon realizing that Dogen’s attention had been diverted. _ The casual cruelty of it all!  _ She paused in her twisting and turning to gaze up at Dogen with imploring eyes.  _ Oh Father, how could you? How could you leave me alone with a criminal? Do you care so little for the welfare of your Gracie? Did it not occur to you that a dramatic, life-altering, event could occur in your absence?  _ She stretched both paws out towards him, one of them touching his hand.  _ Oh, Father, make it right, I beseech you! If you love your Gracie, you’ll right this wrong! _

There was no way for Dogen to resist such a heartfelt plea for justice. He glared at Raz so hard that his friend could feel it. “Dude, seriously?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “You stole my cat’s blanket?” 

Raz turned his head towards Dogen, trying to look as though he were surprised to see him kneeling on the floor. “Oh, hey Dogen,” he said, sitting up on his elbows. “Didn’t see you come in.” 

He was already trying to divert the conversation. Dogen was not about to let him. “Gracie is very upset with you.” 

“Oh, is she?” Raz said, an uptick of question in his tone. “Why’s that?”

Feigning innocence was a strategy that often worked for Raz in the workplace. It was not going to work in Dogen’s home. “She says you threw her off the couch.” 

“No way,” Raz replied, waving his hand like he was batting the accusation away. “She fell.” 

_ Oh, what’s he saying, Father? Is he telling his lies?  _ Gracie butted her head against Dogen's leg, rubbing her cheek on his shin.  _ Father do not be taken in by his devilish tongue!  _

“Raz,” Dogen said, mustering up all of his disapproval and doubt in a single syllable. 

There was something in his tone that made Raz cringe- a remnant of a psychological hang-up born in his childhood, most likely. “Okay, I did pick her up,” he admitted, a sheepish smile spreading over his lips, “But I didn’t mean to throw her off the couch! I was going to put her back down where she was, but she freaked out and jumped out of my hands!” 

_ Is that true?,  _ Dogen asked Gracie.

It was Cameron who answered.  _ Oh yeah, she did do that. Ha, she yelped really loud.  _

_ I was in shock!  _ Gracie thought, casting her brother a venomous glare.  _ You too would be horrified if this brute were to manhandle you!  _

_ No I wouldn’t,  _ Cameron replied.  _ I like this guy. He knows how to scratch a back just right. Plus he gives me treats if I yell at him loud enough.  _

_ Enough, Cameron,  _ Dogen thought as he picked Gracie up and placed her on his lap. To Raz, he asked, “Why did you pick her up in the first place?”

A faint heat rushed to Raz’s cheeks. “I, uh…” He looked down at a loose thread he was picking at. “I wanted the blanket.” 

“Oh, Raz,” Dogen said, sighing. 

“I wasn’t going to steal it from her!” Raz said before Dogen had a chance to express more disappointment. “My plan was to put the blanket on me, and then I was going to put her on the blanket. I tried to explain that to her, but she wouldn’t listen!” 

“She can’t understand you, Raz,” Dogen said, scratching Gracie under the chin. “You could have done this before I left.” 

“No I couldn’t,” Raz shot back. “I didn’t want the blanket until after you left.” 

To this Dogen said nothing. He tucked his hands underneath Gracie’s front paws, careful not to dig too hard into her skin. He picked her up, and then stood and went over to the couch, where he deposited her onto Raz’s blanket-covered lap. “There,” he said as Raz and Gracie made similar noises of surprise. “I need to go put the groceries away. We’ll finish sorting this out when I’m done.” 

But it was already sorted when Dogen came back from the kitchen. Somehow, Raz and Gracie had come to an arrangement. Gracie would allow Raz to use her favorite blanket, so long as Raz continued to pet her fluffy white fur. Right now he was scratching gentle circles between her ears, which had her purring like an engine. “You guys good now?” Dogen asked as he came into the room.

“Yeah,” Raz said with a yawn.

_ Yes, Father,  _ Gracie answered without glancing up from her kneading.  _ It appears that, in my distress, I may have been a bit...over-dramatic, regarding the situation. But it seems that this fellow is not the heartless criminal that I believed him to be. He’s rather agreeable when he isn’t moving about.  _

Dogen nodded, glad that he wouldn’t have to arbitrate a blanket-sharing agreement. “Good, now scoot over,” he said as he made his way to the couch. 

They were all piled on the couch a minute later. Dogen sat on the end with Raz’s head in his lap, while Gracie continued to knead the blanket. And all was well, up until Cameron decided to disrupt the domestic ecosystem by jumping down onto his sister.

**Author's Note:**

> Gracie's overly dramatic reaction is partially based on those cat twitter posts, and partially based on my cat's reaction to being wronged. He's a big fat orange cat named Cheadle and any time you offend him he will turn his back on you and pretend you don't exist.


End file.
